As you've probably guessed by now, most of the wrecks on this site are made right here in the good ol' US of A. Which may be a sad point of pride, but we'll take it. (America! Heck yeah!!)
Still, in an effort to give our American bakers a much-needed shot of schadenfreude, we've decided to search through 16,000 submissions to find a few wrecks from other countries.
"But Jen," you're thinking, "isn't that kind of like William Shatner picking on Andrea Boccelli for singing a single note slightly off-key one time while he had a cold?"
Yeah, kind of.
Are we going to do it anyway?
Heck yeah!!
From Denmark:
I'm not sure if these are actually cakes or just giant Danishes, but whichever it is, keep in mind that someone thought the green icing was helping.
From Egypt:
You might think camouflage triangles, shooting stars, and neon splattered rings would be a little crazy, but that white pom pom thing really pulls it all together.
From Taiwan:
I don't know what it is, but I think it wants to kill me.
From Morocco:
Is that...Doc? From Snow White? Hey, I think it's Doc!
No, wait. The little trees are all knocked over. Must be Sneezy.
From Iran:
That's either a fish or a rubber chicken. Final answer.
Courtesy of the Ivory Coast, here's one way to cover up messy handwriting:
Inadequately.
From our friends over in China:
Say, is your tank dripping, or are you just happy to see me?
And finally, from Mexico:
I will now yell at a Mexican cake in a bad Scottish accent.
"Heed! Down in front! "Would you look at the size of that girl's head? That's a 'uge noggin'! It's a virtual planetoid! It has its own weather system!"
Thanks to Stephanie B., Heather B., Alisa K., Cindy P., Lisa, Amanda D., Jacquie B., & Clau for that veritable tapestry of nations. A world showcase, if you will, providing illuminations for our own American Adventure.
******
P.S. In the spirit of continued learning and broadening our horizons, I found you some take-home reading:
A while back one of our readers suggested a fun activity for the next book tour: set up plain frosted cakes, and let contestants hurl various bits of candy, flotsam, and ribbon at said cakes. Whichever looks "best" wins.
Unfortunately, I think some wreckerators out there took this as career advice.
And believe me: there are no winners here.
Wow. I didn't know you could get that kind of distance out of mini marshmallows.
You know what they always say about edible splatter paint!:
Nothing, actually. They're all too busy trying to avoid the pieces with the poo-colored jelly beans.
Here's one that made use of the drop method:
Most of it even landed on the cake!
Of course, when you're lobbing across such great distances, some breakage is to be expected:
Boops.
You can see that a lot of throwing went into this one:
(Psst. Throwing up counts, right?)
Hang on a sec, something's wrong.
This one's making me hungry:
Mmmm.
Curse you, Wreckerators, and your nefarious mind-washing piles of
whipped cream and berry goodness!
I mean, what next? Will a professional chef on a national reality show get in on the act??
[holding head] We're too late! AAHHHH!!
Thanks to Jill N., Ashlee M., Cassie G., Julie V., Kimberly B., & Elizabeth L., who all get to be first in line come book-tour-throwing time.
*****
P.S., Speaking of books, I just found one right up our wrecky alley:
Parents, when it comes to planning your child's birthday party, prepare for a lot of whining, temper tantrums, and willful brattiness.
Plus your kids might be a pain, too.
Well, here's one way to exact a little revenge: your kids' birthday cake.
Can't sleep. Barney will eat me.
Yep, there's something about seeing their favorite lovable character transformed into a homicidal psychopath that could slightly unhinge more impressionable minds.
"To infinity! and killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill."
Hey, whatever doesn't make your children soil themselves in panic-stricken terror only makes them stronger, right?
"Now, don't worry, kids; Elmo's more afraid of you than you are of him!
"Billy, would you like to do the honors? Let's start with a good clean stab through Elmo's eye. Go on.
"Oh, quit crying. Birthday boys *like* eating Muppet eyes! And just look at that face! Elmo wants you to eat him!"
Ok, granted, you'll be the one paying for their therapy sessions later, but in the meantime...
Spongebob No Pants is here to say hello, kids!
Besides, sometimes there are added benefits:
I'm pretty sure your daughter will never ask for a pony again.
Thanks to wreckporters Laurie H., Stephanie L., Kevin H., Fraulein M., & Jennifer S., who think I should totally write parenting books.(Working title: Odds Are, They'll Live.)
Ask where the second "e" went all you want; *I* want to know what's in that icing.
[shudder]
Sorry, Ash, you only get one.
Aw, this is my fav "favewell" cake ever. It's the bes!
I'm a little unclear on the message here. Is it:
"Best wishes! Here's a pile of crap! With plastic! And curly ribbon!"
Yes? No? Am I close?
Ok, so in the Ghostbusters video game (oh, c'mon, you knew I was a nerd) there's this cursed clock that claims to show the exact time of death for anyone who looks at it. Creepy, right?
Well, guess what came to mind when I saw this cake?
You think this Wreckerator knows something about Beck Y's future - say, around 10 PM - that we don't? I mean, she filled in everything else from "play with gran kids" to "gardaning," so that lone blank spot is looking prettydang ominous, if you ask me.
In fact, maybe the baker should just get right to the point:
Or:
Buuuuuh...
Buhbye.
Thanks to W.C., Ashley B., April C., Ginny B., Heather J., Betsy U., & Jennifer H. for all the fell wishes.
It reminds me of those cow abduction lamps. Ha! Remember those? Anyway, the plexiglass pillar is genius, and there's even an alien inside one of the windows!
I'm sure we all remember how a space shuttle cake can go very, very wrong, so I'm pleased as punch to see a beauty like this:
Best rocket cake I've seen - it looks like a model!
Speaking of which, my friend Jason of Red Rocket Farm paints robots and - you guessed it - the CUTEST red rockets. So naturally, this reminded me of him:
Happy Sunday, everyone! Here's hoping your weekend has been out of this world.
*****
Here's a stellar (eh?) gift for anyone who loves astronomy: solar system bracelets! I like that they're subtle, so folks have to look twice to realize you need your space.
Here's one way to tell if a cake order was made over the phone:
Followed by a three hour tour?
[For the record, that joke makes me feel reeeeally old.]
John and I just sat here saying the words "our" and "are" ad nauseam. We sounded a lot like the seagulls in Finding Nemo: "Our? Are? Hour? R? Arr?"
Still, I take comfort in knowing you're all doing the exact same thing.
Now this one made us sound like the Count from Sesame Street. Which is to say, AWESOME. In fact, from now on, I'm always pronouncing "welcome" like "wheeel come."
Sometimes a cake makes you wonder about its back story...
...but the good news is Sam actually didn't give a flying crap.
And finally, here's a girl with a need for speed:
Yep. Rose really likes to put the petal to the medal.
Thanks to Rachel N., Sarah D., Scot N., Kelly R., F.F., & Jon A., who only caught that last line because they've had their coffee. Good work, guys.
*****
P.S. Now that we've gone over spelling, let's talk PUNCTUATION:
Remember when I used to rail against the cannibalistic indignity that is the baby butt cake?
Ah, those were some good times.
....
Let's do that again!
Hm. Given those "legs" and the hastily edited "Baby," you have to wonder what the baker thought they were making.
After all, bakers don't always have the firmest grasp on the whole "edible butt" concept.
For example, "broken legs shoved under a table" isn't quite what we're going for here:
Ow.
Parents, don't let childhood obesity get the upper butt on you:
Also watch out for TLS - teeny leg syndrome.
And while you're at it, parents, maybe wait 'til your baby is a little older before dousing their lower half with self-tanner:
I mean, c'mon, the cheeky little devil is barely half-grown!
'Course, sometimes a butt cake is more than just a butt cake.:
Sometimes it's a Toddler Torso cake.
Or, if you're lucky, sometimes it's a snaggle-toothed-monster-popping-through-a-sheet-cake-and-about-to-eat-a-rose cake:
Don't even try to tell me you don't see it.
And finally, for those of you who, like me, think the idea of ingesting a cake shaped like the poop-factory end of an infant is kind of disturbing, just remember:
...it sure beats getting a head.
Thanks to Maria S., Deidre P., Aubrey A., Anony M., Renee W., Roman S., & Debra for cracking us up today.
*****
If you don't read this in a snooty accent you're doing it wrong:
"Good day, Madam! Please allow me to welcome you to the West Rutheford Winery, Gastropub and Patisserie. Might I offer you a moist towelette?"
"Um, no. I just need to order a cake for my son's birthday, please."
"But of course! We have many, many cakes to choose from. If I may point out on our Ménu dú Jöur, here you see we have our Incredibly Moist Chocolate Cake Uniquely Finished By Hand With Butter Cream Icing."
"As you can see, it is 'Great For Any Occasion.'"
"Finished by hand? Are you sure feet weren't involved?" [smirking]
[ahem] "Ah, yes, very amusing. Well, Madam, if that is not your particular cup of Earl Gray, might I suggest our Moist Gold Cake Uniquely Hand Finished Tastes Just Like A Real "WATERMELON"?
"Soooo, it tastes like a watermelon?"
"Not at all, Madam. It tastes like a 'WATERMELON.'"
"Ah."
"Ah, but I have saved the best for last! It is the pièce de résistance of our repertoire, the crème de la crème, the horloge de le stylo du la baguette fo di fa fa! Behold!
"A Rich Belgian Chocolate Cup filled with a layer of moist yellow Cake, Fudge, and sweet cream Ice Cream and topped with fluffy white Frosting...
...and a menstrual duo."
"Ew."
"As you might expect, this is available but once a month."
...
"Madam? Wait! Where are you going?!"
Thanks to eagle-eyed Wreckporters Dawn C. and Aimee W. who are just glad that last one isn't red velvet.
Oh, and since *I* couldn't figure it out, I thought you might want to know that last label should read minstrel - which is apparently a type of cake. Plus, when Aimee pointed it out to the manager she shrugged, said they were all probably like that, and put it back on the shelf. Yay, quality control!
No one does "dainty" like our grandmothers did. Mine recently gave me a bunch of her old jewelry, and there are necklace pendants in there smaller than my pinky nail. I'm talking TINY.
Kind of like the little accent flowers on this bottom tier:
The green even has a slightly translucent feel to it, like leafy green depression glass. SO PRETTY.
Did your grandparents go through a cherub phase? Mine had art, statues, some particularly memorable soap dishes... but sadly, no gorgeous cakes like this:
YES. Grandma, I take back everything I said about your avocado green fridge. (But I stand fast on my opinion of mustard yellow carpets.)
Did/does your grandmother wear pastel skirt suits? You know, those woven ones that were kind of scratchy? And that always had a giant matching brooch on the lapel?
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