A Bawdy Bristol Wench

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/sunday-sweets-your-holiday-happy-place-2025

By now many of you are no doubt in that stress-filled haze of pre-Christmas panic - the one that results from too much shopping and too little eggnog. (Because, seriously, EGGNOG FIXES EVERYTHING.)

So listen, I want you to just sit back, relax, and let allll that holiday stress go. Because this, my friends, is your happy place.

See? LOOK HOW HAPPY:

(By Karla's Little Bakery)

Is this not the sweetest, artsiest bit of edible quilling you've ever seen? So perfect! Now I want to try quilling again just to make this pattern into next year's Christmas cards.

 

And speaking of cards, doesn't this remind you of all those vintage-styled pretties - the ones on thick cream paper with embossed lettering?

(By Alliance Bakery)

I think it's all the handpainting; it's just SO perfect it looks printed.

 

And now, ruffly goodness:

(By Inspired by Michelle Cake Designs)

See that pattern on the white? I love that pattern. I want it covered in crystals and made into wrapping paper - which I will then hoard, Smaug-style, along with thousands of rolls of sparkly Christmas ribbon, because I seriously can't stop buying that stuff.

Ahem.

 

You may have heard that the Three Wise Men brought the baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh, but did you know they also brought something a little more festive?

(By Yuma Couture Cakes)

Because it's not a birthday party 'til there are balloons, dangit.
(That silhouette is too, too cool.)

 

This one makes me hum "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" - and with the right words, even!

(By Chanata sweets 'n Decoration)

That pop of lime green in the middle with the teal is just about the cheeriest thing ever, and I love the dusting of powered sugar snow on the chocolate pinecones. And did you notice this is an anniversary cake? SO SWEET.

 

This next one is as cozy as your favorite Christmas sweater:

(Photography by Simone van Den Berg, cake by Evelien Keijer)

It's also baffling the heck out of me, since I have no idea how the baker did it. She couldn't have individually piped every single "stitch," right? Right?? Please, someone tell me; I may lose sleep over this.

 

Another handpainted beauty with a vintage vibe:

(Found here, anyone know the baker?)

I'm digging the "snow" dripping off those berries and branches.

 

And this one manages to be modern and classic at the same time:

(Artwork by Illustree and cake by Three Little Blackbirds Cakes)

Black, white, and sparkly red glitter will never go out of style, people. NEVER.

 

And don't underestimate the power of a little red accent on a soft gray palette, either:

(By Of Cakes and Cupcake (and Apollo too))

Airbrushing done right makes me all happy inside.

 

You know, I've seen a lot of cakes, and I generally pride myself on being able to spot what's edible and what's not. This next one, though? Completely fooled me:

(By Gateaux Inc.)

I thought those were stacked hat boxes, but nope; it's cake, and everything on it is edible. The bells, the silky gold robe, and of course the sheet music sides. Plus the solid side has this gorgeous shimmer you can really only see up close:

Wowza.

 

And if you thought that was stunning, then hold on to your giant pearly antlers:

(By Cake Heart)

[gasp]

OooooOOOOoooooh.
And just like that, blue is my new favorite color.

Well, I hope you enjoyed, my friends, because your happy place is now closing. So get on out there, and go drink some eggnog. [lifting cup] Cheers!

*****

P.S. For my fellow fans of blue, purple, and gorgeous galaxy prints:

Galaxy Throw Blanket

There are lots of galaxy print blankets out there, but this one has the best reviews I've found. Vibrant, super soft, and not too thick!

******

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/sunday-sweets-your-holiday-happy-place-2025

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/the-final-countdown-2025

Just one week left 'til Christmas (!!), and the wrecks you guys are sending in just keep getting more bizarre by the day:

Snowman? Santa? Disco sheep? Marshmallow-covered Walter Peck?

  

THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW.

"...and all the acid rain and pollution seeped into Frosty's body, turning him into a petrified statue of ash, all because someone didn't take out the recycling when his parents asked.  

"THE END."

 

 Is this:

A) The Eye of Sauron 

B) A taco wearing a corset 

C) The Eye of Sauron wearing a corset

or 

D) Real life?

 

You might think the simplest, easiest option would be an elegant red bow on a plain white cake.

But, CLEARLY, you would be wrong.

 (What did the baker use for a piping tip? His teeth?)

This next one is tentacly titled "I'm dreaming of a Cthulhu Christmas."

Darkly dreaming, of course.

 

Wondering what those are supposed to be? So was I, until Sarah sent in this photo from a different store:

Now I'm REALLY curious.

 (Yes, yes, I know it's supposed to be a tree. I just refuse to accept it.)

 

And finally, a little holiday math for you:

+

=

Angels we have heard below

Softly singing "oh-hh noooOooo!"

 

Thanks to wreckporters Elizabeth T., Tina, Gene H., Jill W., Billy G., Sarah L., & Amy V. for giving Sharyn a starting point for today's song re-write in the comments. (Challenge: ISSUED.)

******

P.S. I've been shopping for the best Christmas lights to hang outside this year, and I think you'll like what I bought:

BrizLabs Color-Changing Christmas Lights

This is a 115 feet of LED lights, which you can change from warm white to multi-color to any combination of the two! They have 11 different settings like "slo-glow" and "breathing," a remote control, and even built-in timers. All for $27! This is the best price for the most features I've found, plus they have great reviews, which is a must for me.

John & I installed 3 strands of these beauties last weekend, and they. are. GORGEOUS. Highly recommend.

*****

And from my other blog Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/the-final-countdown-2025

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/away-in-a-bakery-2025

With all the hustle and bustle at this time of year, it's important to remember the real reason for the Christmas season:

Wait. That doesn't seem right...

 

Erm...

 

To be fair, if you sound that out you get "Juices."

So there's that.

 

Now I'm getting confused.

 

Chusl, I don't even know anymore.

 

Thanks to Barbara P., Stacy N., Nicole K., Amanda D., & Amy A. for having the presents of mind to take these pictures.

*****

P.S. In case this post wasn't painful enough:

Exceptionally Bad Dad Jokes

There are a lot of "dad joke" books out there, but this one has awesome ratings AND the word "spiffing" on the cover, so it's a clear winner.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/away-in-a-bakery-2025

Posted by Sharyn

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/sunday-sweets-polar-opposites-2025

There are few things in this world that can be stated with absolute certainty, but two of them are:

(By Jen's Party Cakes)

 

1) This polar bear is freakin' adorable...

and

(By CMNY Cakes)

 

2) These penguins ROCK! 

Well, if penguins and polar bears are so great separately, doesn't it follow that they'd be even better together?

(By Cakes by Roxanne)

"But, wait!" someone will say, "You can't put polar bears and penguins together! They're from different poles! They are, in fact, polar opposites."

Well, someone -- can I call you "someone?" -- I say if we can put a man on the moon, then we can find a way to get these kids together!

We just need to find a mode of transportation.

Maybe the penguins could hitch a ride with an orca:

(By The Chocolate Moose)

 
...or grab the tail of a bright blue whale:

(By Cakes by Maylene)

 

A jolly gentleman with a recently emptied sleigh might stop by with friends and take a few penguins home for a visit:

(By Cakes by Samantha)

 

Or perhaps this cool chick will take a wrong turn using Apple Maps and stumble into a penguin colony:

(By Choccywoccydoodah)

 

Of course, if you think it might be too hard to get a polar bear to pull a sled full of penguins, we could always ask some sled dogs:

(By The EvIl Plankton)

Who knows?  They might be tired of running around Alaska.

 

But maybe we're being too complicated. The penguins could just hop a ship:

(By Charm City Cakes)

 

They wouldn't even have to dock. Just pull up alongside a handy iceberg!

(By Highland Bakery)

 ...and voilá!

 

See, now that I've explained how we could make this work, it's not all that far-fetched, is it?

So the next time you find yourself taking a little vacation way up north...

(By Nice Icing)

 

...and you see this gang hanging out together:

(By The Couture Cakery)

Chillax. It's totally cool.

May your Sunday be super cool!

*****

I need y'all to see these super adorable scarf hoods - with built-in pocket mittens!

3-in-1 Animal Hat, Scarf & Mitten Combo

You can choose from lots of colors and styles, from just ears and paws to full animal heads on top. Click the link to see the rest, I especially love the fox & leopard.

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/sunday-sweets-polar-opposites-2025

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/he-sees-you-a-holiday-horror-story-2025

[movie announcer guy]:  

This Christmas... 

get ready...

for a one horse...

open...

SLAY.

"AAAIIIIEEEEE!!"

 

Run as fast as you can...

[insane giggling]

 

And don't go outside:

"ZOMBIE PENGUIN!"

 

And never...

"THEY'RE COMING!"

    

EVER...

"Oh, thank goodness we found you, Santa! ....Santa?"

"AAAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!"

 

...FALL ASLEEP.

"He's not real. He's not real. HE'S NOT REAL."

"He's... right behind me, isn't he?

"Great. Juuuuust great."

 

[child singing]

He sees you when you're sleeping

He know when you're awake

He knows if you've been bad or good,

So be good...

 ...OR DIE.

Thanks to Erinn M., Aymara A., Gene H., Ben & Janelle, Chandria D., Zach R., Ann H., & Shannon S., who better watch out, and they better not cry, because wusses get left behind.

******

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/he-sees-you-a-holiday-horror-story-2025

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/scuse-me-i-think-your-fly-is-down-2025

"LEAPING LILY PADS!! Is...is that what I think it is? Phil, are you seeing this?!"

 

 "...Phil?"

 

"...Will?"

 

"...Jill?

 

"You guys, snap out of it!"

 "I'm...I'm scared, Gill."

 

"It's unnatural, I tell you - UNNATURAL!"

 

"Quiet, Bill! He's coming!"

 

"Hey guys! Wassup?

 

"They call me...TADPOLE."

 

Thanks to wreckporters Susan M., Abby G., Amber K., Becky L., Jesse D., Madi L., Sara M., and Tammy H. & Melanie D., who sent in separate reports of the same frog. I love it when that happens! My wrecky minions are everywhere - EVERYWHERE! Muah-ha-haaa!

*****

If you know someone who loves frogs, maybe skip the wreck and get them this instead:

Fanatical About Frogs

It's part of a cool animal series with incredible art. In fact I'm also eying Obsessive About Octopuses, just for the cover alone. Hnnng.

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/scuse-me-i-think-your-fly-is-down-2025